{"id":82,"date":"2016-01-10T04:13:46","date_gmt":"2016-01-10T04:13:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/alanwells.com\/zombieman\/?p=82"},"modified":"2016-01-21T04:14:14","modified_gmt":"2016-01-21T04:14:14","slug":"day-172","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alanwells.com\/zombieman\/day-172\/","title":{"rendered":"Day 172"},"content":{"rendered":"
I wasn’t really trying to kill the dog, but that’s all that people are going to remember. \u00a0Brian the dog killer. \u00a0I was minding my own business as usual when the neighbors little yappy bitch starts barking again. \u00a0She’s not barking at anything that I can tell. \u00a0She’s just barking and it’s driving me crazy.<\/div>\n
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See, the thing is, I can sleep standing up now. \u00a0I can sleep with a wooden stake rammed through my leg. \u00a0I could sleep through the dog barking if she would just keep fucking barking. \u00a0But she doesn’t. \u00a0What she does is bark enough for me to wake up. \u00a0She barks a couple more times to get me really awake, to make me wonder what the hell is out there that she’s barking at. \u00a0Then she stops. \u00a0I stay awake listening to nothing. \u00a0I slowly fall asleep again just in time for her to start back barking. \u00a0Goddammit, I want to kill that mutt. \u00a0It’s been like this all night for the past several nights.<\/div>\n
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Another thing is, it’s not like I wake up\u00a0immediately\u00a0when she starts barking. \u00a0It’s a gradual thing. \u00a0Being a zombie is weird. \u00a0Of course it’s weird, duh, but the best way I can explain it is like this. \u00a0I was reading one of Alan’s many unfinished novels and this one is about\u00a0werewolfs.<\/div>\n
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Mind you I don’t like to read any of Alan’s work because Alan sucks as a writer but I was on the toilet in his house and there was nothing else to read. \u00a0So out of the trash I pick up some stuff he has thrown away and there is this one part where the werewolf is trying to explain what it’s like to be a werewolf. \u00a0The werewolf explains that when he has transformed to full on werewolf and is attacking someone, it’s like he’s a small person trapped inside the head of this monster. \u00a0He can see out through the werewolfs eyes but it’s red and blurry. \u00a0He tries to control his body but it’s like he’s stuck in a big cube of red jello and all his movements feel like they’re pushing through this thick gelatonous goo. \u00a0He’s powerless.<\/div>\n
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And I’m like wow, Alan, you don’t understand how close you got it to what it feels like to be a zombie. \u00a0See, to me, it’s exactly like I’m stuck right in the middle of a big 10ft by 10ft cube of red jello. \u00a0I’m supended in it. \u00a0Sound, light, everything is muffled and muted. \u00a0My movments are slow, but on top of that, if I were to be sound asleep and someone walked by and touched the edge of the jello, that movment would slowly ripple through the jello and reach me. \u00a0It’s like a sixth sense. \u00a0It works through walls and doors. \u00a0That’s how I could tell Alex was behind the bedroom door that night with a baseball bat. \u00a0The red jello told me.<\/div>\n
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So when this dog barks, those barks hit the jello first and start rippling. \u00a0The more she barks the more it ripples down to me so that I cannot ignore it. \u00a0It keeps rippling long after she stops barking.<\/div>\n
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That bitches bark rocks me all night long. \u00a0So finally I can’t take it. \u00a0I’ve spoken to the owners about her and they did nothing so now I have to. \u00a0 I wait till everyone is asleep and sneak over there. \u00a0I try to catch the dog and I’m not gonna kill it or hurt it, I’m just gonna take it far, far away and let it go.<\/div>\n
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But as I’m sneaking into their yard, I get this crazy idea. \u00a0What if I bite it? \u00a0Will it become zombified like me? \u00a0Not that I want it to die, but it would be pretty dang cool to have a zombie dog that wouldn’t be afraid of me. \u00a0So I’m thinking I might bite it, but it doesn’t matter if I wanted to because the goddamned mongrel is way to fast for me. And she’s not scared. \u00a0She thinks we’re playing. \u00a0She keeps running away from me, but not really running.. More like barely trotting and we just keep going around in circles in this little suburban backyard.<\/div>\n
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And the owners had a security system back there and now they’ve uploaded that stupid video of me being run to death by a little heelbiter and everyone is having a good laugh. \u00a0The stupid zombie man trying to eat a dog. I’m not chinese. \u00a0Wtf. \u00a0I asked them to take it down but they laughed some more. \u00a0Laugh, laugh, laugh.<\/div>\n
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When it gets close, \u00a0when it gets almost time for me to change into my final form, whatever it is, you know the zombie I’ll never come back from, I’m going to visit their bedroom and shove that camera up their asses. \u00a0And I will laugh. \u00a0I will laugh their asses off.<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I wasn’t really trying to kill the dog, but that’s all that people are going to remember. \u00a0Brian the dog killer. \u00a0I was minding my own business as usual when the neighbors little yappy bitch starts barking again. \u00a0She’s not barking at anything that I can tell. \u00a0She’s just barking and it’s driving me crazy. … Continue reading Day 172<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-82","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p77Qd5-1k","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alanwells.com\/zombieman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/82","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alanwells.com\/zombieman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alanwells.com\/zombieman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alanwells.com\/zombieman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alanwells.com\/zombieman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=82"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/alanwells.com\/zombieman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/82\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":83,"href":"https:\/\/alanwells.com\/zombieman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/82\/revisions\/83"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alanwells.com\/zombieman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=82"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alanwells.com\/zombieman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=82"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alanwells.com\/zombieman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=82"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}