Bill left without paying his share of rent, utilities and ordinary household expenses. Said I creeped him out, being dead and all.
I said you wanna know who’s creepy, Bill? Your tentacle porn loving ass, that’s who. What the hell is that all about, Bill? You ain’t Japanese.
So now I’m dealing with Alex.
Today, I couldn’t find my M&M’s and you know how I need my M&M’s.
“Alex, You seen my M&M’s?”
He keeps playing his xbox.
I’m looking all in the couches, digging in the nastiness between the cushions. I’m walking right in front of him, back and forth, and he won’t answer.
I get in his face, figure I can use my zombie stare and make him look at me.
He keeps playing, shifting his position so he can see around me.
I grab him by the shoulders.
“Alex! Where are my M&M’s!”
He looks at me as if for the first time.
“Dude, I ain’t seen your M&M’s, but I bought some Reeces Pieces you can have.”
“I don’t want no Reeces Feces! I want my goddamned M&M’s!”
He laughs.
“What’s so special about M&M’s?”
“I told you about this when you moved in and signed the lease. It’s part of the rental agreement. DO NOT TOUCH ANY M&M’s in the house. They placate my hunger. They crunch like, and I can’t explain it to someone who isn’t going through this, my desire to eat bone. They’re crunchy with a chocolaty marrow center. They keep me sane and straight and right now, I ain’t neither cause you ate my M&M’s!
He says he didn’t eat them. He goes back to his game.
As I’m holding his shoulders, I can smell his hair and his head and that human sweat, and I’m not sure exactly what happened, but afterward Alex claimed I tried to bite him on the neck like a retarded vampire.
He laughed and pushed me away easily.
That infuriated me and I tried to bite him in the head.
Didn’t work. About broke my teeth.
I guess I ain’t got the strength yet because I couldn’t penetrate his skull.
I think I hurt him though and when I saw the fear in his eyes a strength arose in me.
I grabbed that no dish washing, leaves his dirty clothes everywhere, uses my deodorant, poor excuse for a roommate by the throat and tried to choke the life he was wasting out of him.
Don’t judge me.
I’ll be the first to admit I lost it.
The poor fuck is gurgling for dear life.
I realize he’s doing that thing with his eyes – cause he can’t speak – he’s doing that thing with his eyes where he pointing to something.
He’s looking at me, raising his eyebrows and pointing his tomatoes for eyes at something below my neck.
As the final flickers of hope dim in his eyes, I look down, and there, in my shirt pocket is my king size packet of M&M’s.
I’m sorry to say I didn’t apologize at first, I just sat back on the sofa like a junkie getting their fix. I ate those M&M’s fast, crunching into those delicious candy shells.
As the hunger abated and I came to my senses, I realized with horror that I had almost killed a human.
I offered him some of my M&M’s.
He just shook his head, “Nah, man, I ain’t messing with your candy.”
He looked at me and nodded, went back to playing the xbox.
With that nod I knew he understood.
He wouldn’t judge me like I judged tentacle porn Bill.
And that made me feel worse than if he had punched me in the face.
I tried to sleep but burned with guilt and rage at the world. After several hours of holding it in, I got up and went to Alex’s room to apologize. I thought he’d be asleep, so I quietly reached for the door handle. Not sure why I was worried about being quiet when I was about to wake him up, but it didn’t matter.
Somehow I knew Alex was standing behind the door with a baseball bat raised high to strike me down if I entered his room. I could smell his sweat and fear. And my guilt and shame turned to mischief.
I made a little zombie moan to let him know I was there. His heart beat increased and I could smell his sweat getting sweeter. He was afraid for his life.
I snuck back to my room and ate a few more M&M’s.
The poor fuck stood by his door all night, waiting for me to attack him.
He didn’t leave though, so I guess it’s good.
Maybe he’ll be a good roommate.